I would do horrible things to your vagina.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God