All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Randomize
