nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
