Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
My hand turned me down
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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