I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
