if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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