If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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