there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
