Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
