The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Randomize
