I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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