You're my little dorito
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
