There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
