I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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