so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I'm bleeding and have questions
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
