I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
