i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
