Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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