Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
