Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
