Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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