Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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