My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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