so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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