I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
