Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
