i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
