Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
