i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Randomize
