yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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