It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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