I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Where did you get a picture of my penis
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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