just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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