I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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