Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
being pregnant is like rehab
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
