I like to think it a success when the cops are called
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Randomize
