I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
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