New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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