Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
