I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
