I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
