He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
