Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
