and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
