apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
