I must be too annoying 4 u.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
