i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
