Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Randomize
