Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
