I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize