The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
