I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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