i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
