I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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