So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
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